


Fiddlesticks

by lovetheblazer



Category: Glee
Genre: (But Only Mildly Mentioned and No Specifics), Bullying, Character Study, Children, Klaine, M/M, Mostly of Blaine, Parenthood, Swear jar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-13
Updated: 2015-12-13
Packaged: 2018-05-06 11:10:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5414603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovetheblazer/pseuds/lovetheblazer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Advent Prompt #12: Klaine adopts a family swear jar and Kurt loses all his money.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fiddlesticks

**Author's Note:**

> Today marks Day 12 of the Advent Fic challenge I'm doing daily through Christmas Eve, which also makes it the halfway point. While it's nice to know that I've made it this far, I'm starting to feel the some of the burnout that inevitably comes with trying to write a fic a day for 24 days and I suspect that will only worsen with passing days. So if I might make a selfish request of you, it would be extremely helpful if you could take an extra minute or two to leave me some sort of feedback on some of the Advent fics along the way, either here or over on [my Tumblr](http://lovetheblazer.tumblr.com/ask) if you'd prefer. I don't necessarily reply to every comment I receive, but I absolutely do read each and every one. They make my day and keep me motivated when I might otherwise get discouraged. And if you've already left me a comment or two on the some of the previous Advent fics, thank you so much for the support and continued encouragement. Truly, I couldn't do this without you!

Blaine's spent his entire life getting made fun of in one form or another. It starts as a kid with his older brother Cooper, who seems to revel in reminding Blaine of how much smaller and weaker he is with a string of fond yet infuriating nicknames: Squirt, Runt, Short Stuff, Noodle Arms (even Cooper will later admit that it wasn't his finest insult). Elementary school is mostly okay in that Blaine only gets teased for the same things that all kids his age get teased for: crying after he skins his knees at recess, caring too much about school, leaving his gym clothes at home and being forced into an ill fitting pair for P.E., etc. Things start to get dicey for Blaine again around middle school. He's aware that he's different from the other boys in his grade, but he doesn't really know  _why_  initially. But as always, bullies seem to zero in on that bit of weakness and take great pride in pointing it out to Blaine, using words and slurs that sting every bit as much as those skinned knees during grade school did. Eventually, the bullying gets to be too much for even Blaine's parents to ignore and he's handed his first lifeline: Dalton Academy and its strictly enforced no tolerance policy for bullying or harassment.

Dalton is the first place where Blaine isn't made fun of and it takes him quite a long time to get used to that, to trust that he's truly accepted and home there, to be certain that the other Warblers who follow him around like lost puppies mean him no harm. Then, Kurt Hummel arrives at Dalton and changes everything for Blaine. Suddenly, he's being teased again, but it's a friendly ribbing from Kurt, tinged with flirtation and longing; it's everything Blaine never thought he could hope for in his life. Kurt is Blaine's second lifeline and by far the most important one he's ever given. Blaine would follow Kurt to the ends of the earth, but as it turns out, McKinley High School is as far as he needs to go.

The teasing starts up again at McKinley, though. Sometimes it's hurtful, but more often that not it takes the same friendly but mocking tone that Blaine's still getting used to. It turns out that there's something else he does that makes him different from most of the students at McKinley, particularly those in New Directions. He doesn't curse.

Okay, to be technical about it, it's not that Blaine  _doesn't_  curse, it's just that the words he uses wouldn't make a sailor blush. He doubts they'd even make a baby kitten blush. It's not something that Blaine consciously chose and he has no idea where his habit of straying away from R rated language even comes from. Cooper curses, for one thing, and quite a lot. Blaine learned the f-word and s-word and a whole bunch of other dirty words and phrases from his big brother before he even learned how to ride a bike. And given the mostly benign neglect his parents showed him growing up, Blaine's pretty positive he could have sworn to his heart's content without his mom or dad noticing or caring.

“What century were you born in, seriously?” Santana asks Blaine one day after he drops a textbook on his toe and shouts “Oh, Fiddlesticks!” at top volume as he hops around on one foot, eyes watering in pain.

Blaine recounts this story to Kurt after school, wondering how to change this particular flaw in his personality. “Don’t you dare. It goes with your whole dapper vibe,” Kurt says fondly. “You don't need to be someone else, just be  _you_ , okay? Because I like you.”

“Well, I  _love_  you,” Blaine replies, feeling like his heart might explode in his chest with all the love he feels for his boyfriend.

“Show off,” Kurt huffs, smiling wickedly. Then, he sets about taking Blaine apart with his hands and mouth. If there was ever a time that Blaine was going to curse, that probably would have been it.

Later on, when he moves to New York and in with Kurt, into their first apartment far away from the prying eyes or sonic hearing of Burt Hummel, Blaine learns that he actually _can_ kind of curse. But only while in bed with Kurt, when it's a string of filthy sweet nothings being whispered into his lover's ear, letting Kurt know how just good he makes him feel, how safe and wanted and desired he always feels with Kurt. But any other time, in moments of anger, frustration, or pain, the words that pass through Blaine's lips will always wind up being “aww shucks,” “gosh darn it,” “sweet christmas,” or some equally sanitized version of the actual curse words used by adults.

It's one of Blaine's specific personality quirks, but one he's never really desired or appreciated before. He mostly just finds it an annoying but inevitable part of being Blaine Anderson. But then, lifeline number three comes along and suddenly Blaine is very, very grateful for his inability to curse.

* * *

Lifeline number three is technically two separate things, though they arrive into the world within ninety seconds of one another in the form of Kurt and Blaine's twin children, Luke and Clara. They get the distinct honor and privilege of becoming parents twice in under two minutes and it's every bit as wonderful and terrifying and overwhelming as one would expect it to be.

Blaine remembers reading one of his parenting books a few months before the birth and marveling at the idea that babies can hear while still inside the womb, starting around eighteen weeks after conception.

“Scary thought. Because you know what they always say? Kids repeat everything they hear,” Kurt chuckles, imagining their children doing just that one day.

Four years later, when Luke comes home from preschool repeating the word “asshat” at the top of his lungs, it's slightly less funny.

(Okay, that's a lie. It's actually  _enormously_  funny at the time. But Blaine has enough wherewithal to tamp down his laughter, not wanting to reinforce his son's fascination with this new word by laughing at him saying it. It's a good thing, too, because preschoolers are almost as needy for laughter as stand-up comedians. Pretty much all children under the age of five are laugh sluts, hungrily repeating whatever cracks their parents or peers up, even if they don't understand why people are laughing. Luke and Clara are no exceptions to that.)

When Blaine presses Luke for more information, it turns out that Kurt's issue with road rage means that their son and daughter have heard some pretty choice language while being ferried about to and from school and various activities. In the grand scheme of things, “asshat” is probably the tamest word Luke could have picked up under the circumstances.

That doesn't make Kurt feel any less mortified or awful for having inadvertently taught it to Luke. He pledges then and there to give up all curse words cold turkey. So, that's the day Blaine first suggests the swear jar.

They decide that in order for it to work, Kurt needs to have a little skin in the game. That means instead of tossing in a quarter or a dollar bill each time he curses, it has to be twenty dollars. Specifically, twenty dollars will come out of what's budgeted towards his wardrobe and coffee treats. Kurt might not be motivated by many things, but Blaine's pretty sure Kurt will move mountains to ensure he still gets his regular couture and cappuccino fix.

They lay out the plan over family breakfast the following morning. (Luke demands pancakes, Clara wants waffles, and Blaine is feeling magnanimous so he makes both.)

“Does this mean we get to have all Papa's money? Can we go to the toy store and spend it, pleeeeease?” Clara asks, eyes wide and tiny fists scrunching up in excitement at all the possibilities,.

“Um, no...” Blaine responds slowly. They hadn't really talked about what they'd use the money for, aside from not on gourmet coffee or extravagant brooches for Kurt.

“That's not fair, Daddy!” Luke protests. “It's my money, too. I should get to go to the toy store and buy all the Legos.” Even at four, Luke's sense of justice is very deeply engrained.

“Hey, calm down. No one is going to the toy store,” Kurt insists to jeers from both children. “The money in the jar is going to go towards something we can all do together as a family.”

“Like what?” Clara asks, bouncing up and down in her chair.

“Like... fun things that cost money. Going to the movies or an amusement park or on a trip somewhere if we save up a lot of money,” Kurt explains. “We'll pick something fun together.”

“And everyone will get a vote,” Blaine adds, anticipating Luke's next complaint about the potential injustice.

“Daddy, what happens if Papa says a swear and you aren't there?” Clara asks. “Do we get to tell on him?” She looks genuinely thrilled at the prospect.

“You do,” Blaine announces.

“Yay Papa, you better not be bad or we're going to tell,” Luke sing-songs. “You'll be in  _so much_  trouble.”

“Daddy, will you have to give Papa a spanking if he's really bad? Or maybe a time out?” Clara suggests innocently.

Kurt chokes on his orange juice.

“Oh, I don't know,” Blaine hums, pretending to mull over the idea in his head. “If he's really, really bad, maybe?” he shrugs, trying for nonchalant even though he’s reveling in torturing Kurt. Across the room, he watches Kurt not-so-subtly adjust himself in his pajama pants, shooting him a look that's equal parts lust and fond indignation.

“Papa, you're going to be in so much trouble. You say all the naughty words in the car,” Luke gleefully announces.

“I think you're right, buddy. I'm probably going to get in lots of trouble,” Kurt sighs dramatically.

* * *

The swear jar remains a feature of the Ander-Hummel household for all of six months, by which time Kurt has depleted his clothing budget for a solid year. Blaine decides that's probably as good a time as any to put Kurt out of his misery and call an end to their grand experiment.

They tally up the money in the swear jar and then call a family meeting to vote on possible uses for it. It's a remarkable sum of money, more than even Blaine could have predicted despite knowing Kurt's penchant for swearing. That much money opens up a lot of possible options. In the end, the votes are unanimous: Disney World or bust.

**Author's Note:**

> [Share fic on Tumblr](http://lovetheblazer.tumblr.com/post/135096206900/fiddlesticks)
> 
> Read Previous Advent Fics on: [AO3](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/Advent_Fics_by_lovetheblazer) or [Tumblr](http://lovetheblazer.tumblr.com/tagged/advent-fics-by-lovetheblazer)


End file.
